Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Episode VII

SJ Wars: The Mangina Awakens.

"Stop grabbing my hand" Rey yells over & over, letting the audience know she's a Strong Female Character ™. When Han Solo gives her a gun, she says she "can handle herself," because a man giving a Strong Female Character ™ a weapon is clearly misogyny. When the female alien gives her a weapon, it's ok though.

Rey is not just a Strong Female Character ™, Rey is a Mary Sue. She's so strong that she is able to have a lightsaber fight with Kylo Ren, the Sith who is so powerful he stopped a blaster beam mid-air, even though she had zero training with a sword. Luke didn't even fight anyone with a lightsaber until episode V, after he had been trained. It doesn't matter that Kylo Ren was injured by Chewbacca's Bazooka-crossbow, try to spar with even a high school fencing kid & you will lose in seconds. But not Rey!

She can even use the force to control a stormtrooper's mind to release her from captivity, again without training & without hand waving.

This is all after our Strong Female Character ™ can pilot & fix the Millenium Falcon better than Han Solo can.

She can even speak the beep-beep language of astromech droids. Nobody in the movies speaks "astromech droid," except for Rey of course, because she can do anything, she's a Strong Female Character ™.

She can even see visions when she touches Luke's lightsaber. Something nobody else has done. Rey is so super-special-awesome-grrrl-power that I'm surprised she didn't just fly into space without a ship.

I'm not even going to talk about the other reasons this movie was bad like how Finn is a bumbling mangina who gets friendzoned. & can also use a lightsaber without training.

So even thought most of the audience is adult men, Rey is a Mary Sue becase it's $Current_Year.


  1. She ruined the whole movie. Why does she even need Luke? She can do more with the force after 5 minutes of knowing about it than Luke ever did in the whole original trilogy.
    I hated the character assassination they did on Han with the whole regression back to smuggling. He'd grown over the originals to become a Rebellion general and we're just expected to believe he's gone back to being a criminal?
    What Luke's supposed to have done is effectively leave the only Force strong players in the game being evil because ... Reasons?
    The whole thing was more of a reboot with too many nods to the original.
    Also, that crap with R2D2 being in low power mode because reasons was also crap.
    It could have been so much better if it had been about Luke and a handful a Jedi in training trying to track down and take out Ren, Snoke and the new Death Star.
    Also, isn't the new Death Star technically a poorer design since neither of the originals drained stars unnecessarily?
    Rey has got to be the biggest Mary Sue in history since we've never seen any Jedi before know how to use powers they didn't even know existed at the time.
    I could go on, but I'd just rant even more.
    I won't bother with any more of these movies in future. On the plus side, I'm not sure, but it doesn't look like they'll get top spot for highest grossing film of all time.
    I believe the gloss is starting to wear thin...

    1. those are some damn good points. there were so many other things wrong with this movie. the new death star is also worse because it's stationary, limited to that planet's orbit, the old one was a space station able to travel the galaxy. also in a new hope, r2-d2 was sent to find obi-wan but rey randomly encounters bb-8? the rebels won in return of the jedi, why would they be called "the resistance" if they are in power? this mess of a movie makes me appreciate the prequels even more than i did before.

  2. Other points to consider:
    If the new Death Star needs to drain a star to fire, where did the power for the first shot come from?
    Why weren't the Republic in the fight? Are they like the UN?
    How come Rey knew every guy who'd stolen the Falcon since Han. Wouldn't she only know the current owner and maybe the name of the guy he stole it from?
    Why did Poe give up looking for his droid? If the droid meant so much, wouldn't he still be looking?
    The Falcon destroys two tie fighters and gets away, yet the Star Destroyer is just forgotten.
    Half the First Order and Resistance fleets battle, yet we only see X-Wings.
    It's 30 years later, yet they're all flying the same ships!
    C3PO and R2D2 are still present after what has to have been 70 years, that's half a century in computer years!
    They destroyed 5 planets (10 billion lives minimum) yet no "a billion voices cried out and were suddenly silenced" moment from any force sensitive people at all.
    The cantina is destroyed yet only the main characters get out and fight. Not a single alien.
    What was with the whole trench run thing? Can't they just fly in a straight line into the structure?
    How did so many empire people get off the exploding star? The general was going to have to fetch Kylo then leave, yet we saw the place breaking apart as that order came. This isn't Star Trek where beaming out is possible.
    The list just goes on...